A Bureaucrat's Guide to Mercy

Hello, hello! I’m Charles Sanson, Overseer of Temple Offerings and the consultant on duty today. Which one of you is Ajax Mallory?

Wonderful! It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Mallory. And you’ve brought with you…?

David Choi? Ah, you’re Mr. Mallory’s husband. It’s nice to meet you as well.

Mr. Mallory, if you’ll just follow–I’m sorry, Mr. Choi, but I need you to wait outside while I consult with Mr. Mallory. We don’t allow–

I beg your pardon, Mr. Mallory. If you’d like Mr. Choi to observe your consultation, I’ll need you to sign a form authorizing his presence. We can’t begin without it.

I understand, but I must insist. It’s one of our safeguarding requirements. If you don’t sign, then the California Donations Review Commission will issue a challenge to your intended offering.

They’re very particular about adherence to the rules. I’m sure you can appreciate the headache it would cause for our office If the media heard we allowed a loved one into a consultation without a record of the donor’s consent. Our detractors are always looking for an excuse to further restrict temple offerings, and they’d have a field day accusing us of allowing loved ones to influence donor choice.

Thank you very much. Pardon, Ms. Savage, could you file this before the end of the day? It’s urgent. Thank you.

You saw Overseer Landry last time, is that correct, Mr. Mallory?

Yes, we prefer for our donors to see the same overseer throughout the duration of the process, but unfortunately Overseer Landry had other obligations. I’m covering all his consultations today.

That’s right! He’s speaking before the legislature. You’ve been following the debate closely, then?

They won’t repeal the donation law, don’t worry. The worst they can do is refuse to allow an expansion.

Yes, I’m aware some of these so-called ‘activists’ are disabled themselves, but is it right for them to decide for other disabled people? But we’re not here to discuss that. We’re here to discuss your own decision to give a temple offering. That’s still your intention? Nothing has changed since your last consultation?

Yes, you’re still eligible for both options, so it’s entirely up to you. My job as overseer is to facilitate offerings from donors to temples in a way that benefits our donors.

Well, that depends. Only donors are allowed into the temple of Our Lady of Perpetual Teeth, so we can’t allow spousal accompaniment if you choose that option.

No, not even if they sign a waver. I’m sorry. The agreement with Our Lady and her handlers is quite clear. If Mr. Choi enters Our Lady’s temple, he’s obliged to bring her an offering. Only the Guardians of Divine Mystery are able to enter without one.

Yes, I understand she’s the most popular choice for veterans, but I can’t bend the rules. If Mr. Choi wishes to accompany you into her temple, then he’ll have to consent to becoming a donor himself. But he’s welcome to accompany you if you choose to donate to the Watcher of a Thousand Eyes.

The Watcher is very popular with our psychiatric donors, and it says here you originally visited us for help with your PTSD, Mr. Mallory. Is that accurate?

I’m sorry we couldn’t be of more help, too, but I’m confident that your offering to the god of your choice will relieve your pain. The divine blessing of the gods brings an end to suffering when mortal healing can’t.

You’d like to become a donor as well, Mr. Choi? All right. Let me pull up your files. I see here we’ve registered you as having Bipolar Disorder and OCPD. Mm. I’m surprised you haven’t considered an offering to the gods already. I certainly would have if I were you. All right, hold on just one second while I pull up the donor consent forms. And there we are. I’ll need you to fill these out for me.

No, you don’t need another consultation if you’re applying to become a co-donor. We understand how important having emotional support can be. Now, then. Where were we? Ah, yes. Gods. Have you decided which temple you’d like to donate to?

Of course. Our Lady for both of you. Now, did Overseer Landry discuss charitable donations with you?

Of course, Mr. Choi. I’ll go over it with you. So the gods give abundantly for each offering they receive, which means you can be sure that your generosity will aid our city’s future prosperity. We have accountants to calculate how much of our prosperity comes from which offering, and we always donate a portion of the proceeds to charitable causes. Donor’s choice, of course. Would you like to earmark your contributions to any specific causes? Accessible housing has been a popular request with recent donors.

Veteran health care. Of course, of course. Here’s the paperwork for that. Would you like to go ahead and make your appointment?

We should have some this week, if that’s what you’d like. We have a much shorter waitlist than any other government agency in the city, because we get to all our requests promptly. Let me pull up our appointment calendar and I can get that scheduled for you. Let’s see, do you have a preference for your Guardian of Divine Mysteries?

Nobody in particular? Does gender matter?

No? All right, let’s see, then. The earliest available appointment is…Ah! Guardian Middleton has an opening tomorrow morning. Eight o’clock. Does that work for both of you?

Wonderful. I have both of you down for eight o’clock tomorrow morning with Guardian Middleton. I need your signatures here, please. And I have one more form for both of you.

Yes, there is a lot of paperwork involved, isn’t there? But I’m sure you’ll agree this form is vital to ensure a smooth experience for our donors: It grants Guardian Middleton permission to complete the ritual should it exceed an hour.

There’s no reason to worry! This is only a precaution. Typically, donation is over in under an hour, but there have been…outliers.

The longest time between temple entry and the gods’ full acceptance of an offering is four days. But that only occurs when donors don’t properly prepare before presenting their offerings to the gods. As long as you’ve prepared correctly, it should take no time at all for the gods to accept your donation.

Of course they said that. They’ve got an agenda, haven’t they? I assure you they’ve distorted the facts. Our Guardians of Divine Mystery are consummate professionals. We’ve never had complaints with their services in guiding donors through the donation process.

Don’t be nervous. Guardian Middleton will accompany the two of you from our office to the entrance of Our Lady’s temple. Once there, she’ll distribute the ceremonial libations to both of you. If either of you need help with administration, don’t hesitate to ask. She’s there to make the process go smoothly, after all.

You’ll want to hurry to the altar as soon as you’ve imbibed, because the libations take effect within five minutes.

Oh, yes. Our libations are very effective. When Our Lady rips your heart from your chest, you won’t feel a thing.